Friday, January 10, 2014

Scrub is a Guy Who Can't Get No Love from General Kenobi

About a week ago (or was it two?), a friend of mine, frustrated by my lack of interest in the whole dating scene, came right out and demanded of me, "So what exactly are you looking for?  I just don't understand."  And, to be perfectly honest, neither did I.  I mean, besides the obvious (The Doctor, Coach Taylor, Indiana Jones, Tony Stark, etc.), I always had a list of standards, some more shallow than others (i.e. must love Firefly), but I had never really taken the time to put aside the attributes that really mattered.  So in an effort to have a response to my friend, and in order to understand where my underlying priorities lie, I penned this post.  Leave your gag reflexes at the door, folks, 'cause this is me being real, AND it's nowhere near February 14th!  I've called it:


1.) Love God and Pursue Him -  Above all else, this is a MUST.  While I believe in freedom of religion in the public sector, this is a potential life partner we're talking about.  I need someone who's on the same page with me for the huge doctrinal issues because on the bad days (and there will be bad days) I need to know that this dude will be encouraging me and hitting hard with the same spiritual truths I'd be feeding him on his bad days.  Doesn't mean we'll always agree (far from it), but it does mean that I will never have to hide who I am and what I stand for, and he won't have to worry about that either.

2.)  Treat Others (e.g. Ladies, Family, Service Personnel, etc.) with Dignity -  This is also huge with me.  Working at that Video Game Retail Store, I met some of the scummiest guys imaginable:  guys who were rude, guys who were foul mouthed, guys who wore grody t-shirts with scantily clad women on the front, etc.  They were disrespectful and crass; they were little boys.  It is super important to me that dudes treat their parents, their siblings, and other women with honor, dignity, and respect.  This is especially pressing with wait staff or any other customer service staff:  like Christ's Sermon on the Mount says, it's the meek that will inherit the earth, so it's paramount that the lowest of the low be treated like royalty.  If a dude does this, then I can guarantee that--to quote the philosopher Nicki Minaj--the panties comin' off, off, uh.

3.)  Sense of Humor - Why did the chicken cross the road?  Because if he tried fording the river, he probably would have died like his oxen brethren in The Oregon Trail.  True, that's some quality, grade-A comedy right there, but I'm not so much of an egotist that this dude's gotta think everything  I say is high-friggin'-larious, but there has to be some level of humor similarity in existence there.  If he can't pick up on my sarcasm, and the thought of this dude using one more pun has me driving a screwdriver into my inner ear , then there is a problem. 

This isn't just a superficial issue, either.  Given my proclivity toward comedy writing in some aspect of my future career, I need my future partner to be at least somewhat invested in this endeavor in some way as a supportive player.  If the roles were reversed, I would never want a dude to settle for me when I'm not invested in his future endeavors because they're boring/uninteresting/trigonometry related, etc.  In the same vain, I don't know if I could be with a guy who was also pursuing the comedy field because I feel like there would be a whole clashing of egos thing.  But give me a funny guy?  See the above re: Nicki Minaj and panties.

4.) Similar Political Beliefs - It's not that I'm saying I could never get together with a Democrat.  I'm just saying it's a highly unlikely possibility.  Why?  Because my passion for politics goes far beyond that:  it's a vocational calling, too.  Does it supersede my identity in Christ, and my call to love the lost?  Absolutely not, but it affects the way I vote, the way I speak, the way my worldview looks (or maybe vice versa?).  Either way, it's a topic I don't want to have to censor in the privacy of my own home.  Some couples can make that whole bipartisan thing work, but I don't think I could; I want that common ground.  Again, we don't have to have carbon copy political views--I couldn't possibly expect that--but some commonality should exist. 

Similarly, I am quite passionate about ending the objectification of women and engendering their empowerment.  I will NOT budge on this issue.  Joss Whedon gives me hope that there are other men out there who believe women can pretty much do whatever they want.  I want a dude who's as passionate about (and equally not as threatened by) the empowerment of women to fulfill their God designed destinies, whether that's mothering five children, becoming a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, or doing BOTH because as a woman WHY NOT

The fact that human trafficking is still such a huge epidemic internationally and domestically and that there are still countries where the societal norm is for women to cover their faces should upset this guy about a thousand times MORE because it reflects poorly on his gender; plus, these ladies are his sisters in Christ.  Show me that guy, the one that gets upset about the unjust treatment of ladies, not just when it's convenient for him politically, and I swear I will exercise my first amendment right to protest the need for clothing, stat.

And, finally...

5.)  Chiseled Jaw and Buns of Steel (i.e. Attractive) - Here it is, folks.  The shallow one.  Granted, this is the least important one on the list, but I disagree by how much it differs in importance.  Sure, looks aren't everything, but they are something!  When I picture a guy cherishing me, I picture someone who is so irrevocably head over heels into every aspect of me--physically, spiritually, and emotionally--he's like Tex Avery in those very old, very sexist cartoons, with his eyeballs popping out of his head and the old timey car horn going, foot thumping, only more romantic, and love of my life-ish.  Point is, I wouldn't want a dude to "pity" marry me if he thought I was awesome personality-wise, but just wasn't attracted to me physically.  That would be the worst.  In fact, I'd be super offended.  And if the roles were reversed (i.e., me pity marrying some non-bodacious dude) that dude would be upset, too.  No one likes the words 'pity' and 'date' in the same sentence; it's an absolute bummer.

I made a vow before God to hold off on all sexual activity until after I'm married.  It hasn't always been easy.  In fact, I'd say, like, 87% of the time, it sucks, it blows, it's the worst (puns NOT intended), but most of the time I am okay--even content--with my decision because I know God made the commandment out of love for his people, myself included.  Excluding procreation, God designed sex to be fun.  Call it selfish, but I feel I owe it to myself (and my future spouse) to be super into the way that dude looks.  Because in the event that marriage is something God has in store for me somewhere in my future, I can't imagine in that first year that this dude and I will be doing much else than each other <3

Keelah Se'lai,

The General

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