I NEVER MEANT TO START A WAR: THE GENERAL'S TOP 10 '14 RESOLUTIONS
10.) I Solemnly Swear I Will Learn All the Lyrics to My Favorite Songs - Rather than fading off during the parts I don't know, or humming, or else making up my own lyrics. Boston's "More than a Feeling" has been around for DECADES; there is literally NO excuse.
9.) I Solemnly Swear to Be More Politically Active for Causes that Matter - As fun as it is to debate Second Amendment rights (not), there are other issues, such as fighting for the unborn, or eradicating human trafficking, that should be taking up so much more of my time and energy. I swear(ish) to be more informed about the world around me, and, NO, The Onion, is NOT a valid news source (and not just because I can't access it from work).
8.) I Solemnly Swear to Eat at Chipotle Once a Week - Okay, FINE, no more than three times a week, and that is FINAL. I'm only human, for goodness sake.
7.) I Solemnly Swear to Lower My Expectations for Video Games This Year - In the first half of 2013, you had Tomb Raider, BioShock: Infinite, and The Last of Us all before the Holiday season, which is when all the amazing blockbuster games are supposed to drop. You also had LEGO: Marvel Superheroes, which is seriously the most addictive and most adorable game I have ever played. I have no expectations this year, except for TellTales' The Walking Dead: Season Two. It had better be AMAZING.
6.) I Solemnly Swear to Actively Participate in More Physical Excursions - Pushup? I'm sorry, I've never seen that word not PLURALIZED.
5.) I Solemnly Swear to Be More Selective in My Netflix Viewing Habits - There's no REASON I should be even remotely TEMPTED into viewing a film titled "Holiday in Handcuffs" when there are at least 156 titles in my queue, and about a thousand others that are just begging to be watched. (Here's looking at you, Scandal and my third watch through of Friday Night Lights).
4.) I Solemnly Swear to Be More Socially Active - Role playing video games count as socializing, right? Because otherwise my seventy-five plus hours clocked on Dragon Age: Origins last September would just be desperate and sad.
3.) I Solemnly Swear to Stop Saying I Want to Be a Comedy Writer and Start Actually Writing Comedy - It's ridiculous, right? You wouldn't say you're a legislator if you don't pass any legislation (ooooh, Federal Congress BURN!). Comedy has long since skipped being a hobby for me; it's a passion. This year, I swear(ish) to start writing some actual jokes or amusing stories, really ANYTHING that could be considered funny. Here's a freebie I've been working on: Two-in-one shampoo and conditioner is about as useful and nutritiously beneficial as a deep fried wheat grass shot. I'll hold for the applause.
2.) I Solemnly Swear to View and Serve Others as Christ Would - Sorry, Pride and Insecurity, you had too much pull last year. You get to ride in the trunk along with flare jeans and crocs.
And finally ....
1.) I Solemnly Swear to Fall For and Pursue Real Men as Opposed to Fictional/Celebrity Men -LOL, J/K
Here's to 2014!