[2014] Came in Like a Wrecking Ball; Or, How General Kenobi [Will Get] Her Groove Back

Long time, no blog, amirite?  There's really no proper excuse for the delay, save for crippling self-doubt and a healthy dose of procrastination by lethal injection.  Soooo...basically, the internal workings of my brain on a regular basis.  But alas!  2014 erupts as as a flaming phoenix from the embittered ashes of 2013, and with it, I plan to redeem many of my regrettably ill-adopted behaviors from last year.  What follows is a General (get it???) list of resolutions I solemnly(ish) swear to abide by in the following months.

I NEVER MEANT TO START A WAR:  THE GENERAL'S TOP 10 '14 RESOLUTIONS

10.)  I Solemnly Swear I Will Learn All the Lyrics to My Favorite Songs - Rather than fading off during the parts I don't know, or humming, or else making up my own lyrics.  Boston's "More than a Feeling" has been around for DECADES; there is literally NO excuse.

9.)  I Solemnly Swear to Be More Politically Active for Causes that Matter - As fun as it is to debate Second Amendment rights (not), there are other issues, such as fighting for the unborn, or eradicating human trafficking, that should be taking up so much more of my time and energy.  I swear(ish) to be more informed about the world around me, and, NO, The Onion, is NOT a valid news source (and not just because I can't access it from work).

8.)  I Solemnly Swear to Eat at Chipotle Once a Week - Okay, FINE, no more than three times a week, and that is FINAL.  I'm only human, for goodness sake.

7.) I Solemnly Swear to Lower My Expectations for Video Games This Year - In the first half of 2013, you had Tomb Raider, BioShock: Infinite, and The Last of Us all before the Holiday season, which is when all the amazing blockbuster games are supposed to drop.  You also had LEGO: Marvel Superheroes, which is seriously the most addictive and most adorable game I have ever played.  I have no expectations this year, except for TellTales' The Walking Dead: Season Two.  It had better be AMAZING.

6.)  I Solemnly Swear to Actively Participate in More Physical Excursions - Pushup?  I'm sorry, I've never seen that word not PLURALIZED.

5.)  I Solemnly Swear to Be More Selective in My Netflix Viewing Habits - There's no REASON I should be even remotely TEMPTED into viewing a film titled "Holiday in Handcuffs" when there are at least 156 titles in my queue, and about a thousand others that are just begging to be watched. (Here's looking at you, Scandal and my third watch through of Friday Night Lights).

4.)  I Solemnly Swear to Be More Socially Active - Role playing video games count as socializing, right?  Because otherwise my seventy-five plus hours clocked on Dragon Age: Origins last September would just be desperate and sad.

3.)  I Solemnly Swear to Stop Saying I Want to Be a Comedy Writer and Start Actually Writing Comedy - It's ridiculous, right?  You wouldn't say you're a legislator if you don't pass any legislation (ooooh, Federal Congress BURN!).  Comedy has long since skipped being a hobby for me; it's a passion.  This year, I swear(ish) to start writing some actual jokes or amusing stories, really ANYTHING that could be considered funny.  Here's a freebie I've been working on:  Two-in-one shampoo and conditioner is about as useful and nutritiously beneficial as a deep fried wheat grass shot.  I'll hold for the applause.

2.)  I Solemnly Swear to View and Serve Others as Christ Would - Sorry, Pride and Insecurity, you had too much pull last year.  You get to ride in the trunk along with  flare jeans and crocs.

And finally ....

1.)  I Solemnly Swear to Fall For and Pursue Real Men as Opposed to Fictional/Celebrity Men -LOL, J/K

 

 

Here's to 2014!

 

Keelah Se'lai,

 

The General

It's Really Incalcucable - My Love Letter to The Office (U.S.)

When they announced earlier this year that this would be the final season of NBC's The Office, I didn't quite know how to feel.  Deep down somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I knew this day would come eventually, not the exact date, but that the series would one day come to a close.  And while there were many times in the Post-Michael Scott seasons that I desired a mercy killing for the ghost of a series I once loved, there was always a certain comfort in knowing that the show was still around.  It meant that, for the most part, things hadn't changed.  It meant that I hadn't changed.

My love affair with The Office started in late 2005, in the middle of season two.  I accidentally caught some of the Halloween episode in a rerun.  I thought the tall guy with the black dots on his shirt was cute; I stuck around for another two minutes for Steve Carell.  It was meh.   Nothing special.  I had a whole queue of shows I was invested in (in case you need reminding, the 2005 Fall TV season remains the pinnacle of man's achievement, giving us House, Lost, how i met your mother, 30 Rock,  the first season of Prison Break, and others) so it was no big deal.  But I kept hearing how amazing and hilarious this show was.  The first live episode I watched was Booze Cruise, with the infamous 27 seconds of silence between Jim and Pam.  The second was The Injury, which to this day is my favorite 22 minutes of comedic television writing ever.  Thus began my obsession with The Office, both the show and the fandom. 

The obsession started out by purchasing the first season and watching through that.  Then it turned to watching the commentaries and deleted scenes and finding fanvids (this was the first one I ever watched, and this Battlestar Galactica/Office mashup is one of the greatest things ever; oh, and here), and looking up information on John Krasinski.  And then at some point it took a nosedive into doing research into ALL the cast and crew, and following Pam, Kevin, and Angela on MySpace.  It culminated with me joining an avid community of individuals who wrote fanfiction based on the show (my stories I'm proud of can be found here, here, and here), and eventually I joined fansites like Office Tally and Northern Attack, spending hours on message boards discussing the kiss at the end of season two, or Michael proposing to Holly.

I didn't just find a show I liked in The Office, I kind of found an extended family.  I found my niche. For me, The Office was never just a show.  It was a dear, old friend I spent nine wonderful years with.  When my sister was hospitalized to prevent her from self harming back during my junior year of  high school, The Office helped me escape on countless evenings.  The show saw me through my crushing college rejections at the end of senior year in 2008, and again in 2010 when I watched my Alzheimer's ridden grandmother deteriorate even further.  When I stepped onto the campus of that conservative Baptist college I attended, hating everything and thinking no one would appreciate my "Stewart/Colbert '08" shirt, it was a guy standing in line for the cafeteria wearing a Dunder Mifflin shirt who gave me hope that maybe I wasn't alone in my comedic preferences.

When I started watching it for the first time at the age of 16, I can remember thinking that deep down, in that dark, private place I share with no one (except for the ten of you that read this blog) that I knew that what I wanted more than anything else was to write comedy for a living.  I wanted to create something that meant as much to others as The Office meant to me.  Something that could simultaneously make you laugh so hard that tears and urine freely exited your body and ameliorate, if only for a little while, the pain in your current situation.  And now, seven years later, at the age of 23, that desire hasn't changed.

But what has changed is everything else; time doesn't stop just because you want it to.  Everything must end, much to my increasing disappointment.  Last year marked my graduation from college, and by the end of this summer, I'll officially have my diploma, thereby forcing me into the adult world. As The Office ends tonight, so too does the adolescent chapter in my life, and while I know I have a plethora of opportunities ahead of me, it doesn't make either ending any less bittersweet.  But like Vonnegut, I've always enjoyed my grief with a good flatulence joke, or two.

Dinkin' Flicka,

The General

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You General Kenobi

Over the past week, God's been forcibly teaching me about coming to terms with, and accepting, my weaknesses (our lessons are never like, "Oh, yeah, God, I'm absolutely ready to hear about what I'm doing wrong. No, yeah, definitely;" which is why I get stuck in the learning annex with the other slow kids and 'forcibly').  For anyone that knows me, it may come as a bit of a surprise (I know it did for me when I first figured it out) that I have many, many flaws.  Despite the energy I put into convincing everyone otherwise, "perfection" never has, nor will it ever be, a fit descriptor for the person I am.  Cripplingly insecure?  N--yeah, probably.  Lukewarm and weak?  Like, ninety-seven percent of the time.  But perfect?  Never.

I assume this weakness thing has plagued me my whole life (Have I mentioned pride?  Because I struggle with that one about 114% of the time, every time), but it's never been more apparent to me than in the midst of what can arguably be considered the apex of my time here at home since graduating college.  After a summer of rejection by no-response-whatsoever, my dreams of interning with a late night comedy show or a satirical newspaper based in Chicago were dashed five times over.  ("But your degree is in political science," you say wisely, to which bespectacled, hipster General responds, "Yes, but my dream has always been comedy, man.")  If you want to know what failure and weak feels like, try explaining to your parents that the past four years (of which they assisted in funding) may have been spent in a field of study you love, but you're not in love with it.  Bonus points if your father is a gun-owning, salt-of-the-earth, Blue-collar working, Republican who secretly thinks your dream makes you a commie-loving pinko.

But when the past few months provided nothing but a bleak and dismal future of me living with my parents FOREVER, I sobered quickly and began applying for internships more closely related to my field.  Within the week, I had two interview offers.  Within that same week, I had such severe anxiety because rather than the success I was blessed with, all I could focus on was the impending failure brought about by my infinitesimal weaknesses.  My brain wouldn't shut up.  You're crippled by your insecurities (your abilities, your femininity, your intelligence, your physical appearance, how funny you are, how "Christian" you are) and your fear of the unknown.  You can't keep it together mentally (you had to see a counselor during college and in the months leaving it), spiritually (you haven't tithed once in the past year, you haven't volunteered anywhere, you've been so wrapped up in your own bout of depression that the first time you attended church since last May was two weeks ago), or professionally (you still don't have a real job; you're still working part-time at that video game place).   And relationally you're such a failure you can't even bring yourself to call any of your old friends for fear that they may want nothing to do with you when you don't have the energy left to be 'the entertainer.'  How could you possibly succeed now?

Turns out that both the apostle Paul and Luke Skywalker shared in my crippling weaknesses.  See, Luke was a whiny, ungrateful moisture farmer (what the hell does that even mean?) on some scrap of land on Tatooine, an entire planet of deserts, Jawas, and freaking Sand People, and Paul--Super-Christian Paul--even writes that because he struggled with pride, he was given a thorn to torment him (see 2 Cor. 12:7).  To anybody else, these two men would be seen as useless.  What's the point of a proud man serving a God who values and demands humility?  How could anyone possibly pick Luke--this whiny orphan who's never even heard of the Force before--to be the key player for the Rebel Alliance?  Especially when Han is so much hotter and doubles as a part time professor/archaeologist in his spare time?

The key is grace.  Luke is weak, but both Ben Kenobi and eventually Yoda are gracious enough to extend at least a chance for him to measure up to the hero the Rebel Alliance has been searching for.  When Paul is all, "This blows; could you at least try to help me out with this thorn issue?" (essentially the Message translation, I assume), God comes back with, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9b)  The key is paradox.

The paradox doesn't magically solve my insecurities or my crippling fear (just like applying logic to Doctor Who doesn't magically make the show any easier to understand, sadly).  But what it does is give me the freedom and breathing room to face those weaknesses and know that in that moment, God makes up for what I lack, the Ben Kenobi to my General Kenobi.  So that in that moment, I can join in when Paul concludes:

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness,

in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:10).

 

Keelah Se'lai,

The General

Uteruses before Duderuses, or Caught in a Bad Bromance

 

February 13th marks the official, fictitious holiday of Galentine's Day.  Basically it's a holiday celebrating friendship, a different kind of love that seems to be completely overlooked on Valentine's Day.  In honor of Leslie Knope, I've decided to make a list of some of my favorite fictional friendships.  Since I am nothing short of a somewhat bitter single and a self-proclaimed pro-female, pro-male feminist who believes in empowering women without degrading men in the process, I've decided to include guys on the list, too.  Just call me the U.N. because I'm making peaceful resolutions all up in this joint.  In no particular order:

 

 

Leslie Knope, Anne Perkins Parks and Recreation

What better way to start off than with the creator of Galentine's Day, Leslie Knope and her best friend, Anne Perkins?  Their friendship is by no means perfect (they once got into a drunken fight at a club that resulted in some harsh words and a pretty vicious dance-off), but Anne calms Leslie's crazy, and Leslie constantly showers Anne with encouragement  ("She's the most beautiful nurse in the world.")  Uteruses before Duderuses, indeed.

Troy, Abed Community

Everyone needs a friend who sees your crazy, and not only accepts it, but goes right along with it.  Troy and Abed are the kind of friends who make up Spanish rap songs, create fictitious morning shows, build massive blanket forts, watch Inspector Space Time together, and create Firefly suicide pacts together.  They even have a secret handshake, and admittedly, I'm slightly jealous.  Speaking of Firefly . . .

Mal, Zoe Firefly, Shepard, Garrus Mass Effect

Every Captain (or Commander) needs a solid right hand man (er, woman and Turian respectively) they can trust to help keep the crew motivated and to stand by their side as they march into hell to save the 'verse from some impending doom (Reavers and Reapers respectively). Mal and Zoe mourned Serenity Valley together, and when Mal lost his faith in God, Zoe was right there to help pick up the pieces.  And while Garrus wasn't there physically when Cerberus picked up the pieces of Shepard's lifeless body, he certainly answered the call on Omega even after he took a missile to the face.  That's what friendship should look like for big damn heroes.

 

Veronica, Wallace Veronica Mars, Daria, Jane Daria

Let's get one thing straight:  high school is the worst.  It's cruel, and everyone's a monster.  The only thing that makes it suck less is sarcasm.  Lots and lots of sarcasm. And having a solid friend who appreciates and encourages such sarcasm.  Or in Wallace's case, a friend who cuts you down from the school's flag pole.  When the entirety of Neptune turned its back on Veronica, Wallace remained a loyal and steadfast friend.  When Daria couldn't find a single redeemable student at Lawndale, she met Jane, another outcast who willingly tried to set her up with her older brother.  The only way high school could be worse is if . . .

 

Buffy, Willow, Xander Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Harry, Ron, Hermione Harry Potter

. . . everyone is literally a monster.  Whether your Big Bad is some kind of vampire who has been around since the dawn of time, or a murderous wizard who's number one goal is to murder you, it's tough to keep friends around who really get it.  Other than Buffy, there's nothing remarkable or super power-y about any of these people, except for their courage, their loyalty, and their love for their friends.  The Scoobies and Harry's group definitely have their downs (remember that time Willow became evil, or that time Ron dated Lavender?), but they stick by each other because they understand friendship is about way more than weekends at Hosgmeade or week nights at the Bronze.  It's about sometimes having to stand up to your friends when they're out of line.

Dean and Sam Winchester, Supernatural

The Winchester brothers' relationship can be defined in one word:  sacrifice.  Sam gave up his future prospect of becoming a lawyer in order to travel across the country in a '67 Impala with his older brother in order to rid the world of evil, whatever form it may take.  Dean willingly signed away his life in order to keep Sam alive, taking after his dad to did the same thing to save him.  To an extent, their behavior may be considered excessive, but more than love, I truly believe that family makes you do the wacky.  You may hate them, you may fight with them, call them names, but at the end of the day, they're still family, and you'll do everything in your power to protect them.

 

Tenth Doctor, Donna Noble Doctor Who

Any man would be devastated if the woman he loved left him.  Even more devastating would be if that same woman did so because she was trapped in a freaking parallel world. (Sci-fi problems, amirite?)  Donna Noble, more than any other companion, traveled through all of space and time with the Doctor expecting nothing more than adventure, witty banter, and occasionally saving the universe.   The Doctor saved Donna from a world of mediocrity, and in turn, Donna supported him, vexed him, later became part time lord, and eventually became the most important woman in the universe.  Their friendship was a thing of beauty, and as a fan, watching him have to wipe her memory of all their time together was one of the most heartbreaking moments of the series.

 

Keelah Se'lai, and Happy Galentine's Day!

 

The General



General Kenobi's Top 10 of 2012

 It's hard to believe, but the tumultuous, emotionally uneven year of 2012 has finally come to an end.  Rather than focusing on how rough this year has been, I thought I'd do a list of pop culture moments that made this year suck way less.  Full disclosure:  I'm not caught up fully on Mad Men, The Walking Dead, Justified, or Downton Abbey for that matter.  I'm sure these shows have been amazeballs, but I can't speak with authority, and I HATE SPOILERS.  So there's that.  This list comprises TV, movies, and events I (I'm) loved (loving) this year.

THE GENERAL'S TOP 10 OF 2012 (OR, STUFF I LOVED IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

10.) ABC's Nashville - I scoffed at the idea of this show when I first heard about it:  why would anyone want to watch a dramatized version of CMT?  I had visions of story lines involving one character burning another's Lynyrd Skynyrd album collection because his/her tractors were stolen, etc.  Turns out that this show is actually well written, and in my opinion, one of the strongest entries in the 2012-2013 television season.  It's lovely to see Mrs. Coach (Connie Britton) as Rayna back in a starring role (I also haven't watched American Horror Story), as well as Charles Esten (who before this played Josh from the Stamford branch on The Office, and more importantly, went by Chip on Whose Line?).  Plus, I don't even irrationally dislike Hayden Panettiere anymore--I think she's, as well as the rest of the cast, doing a fantastic job on the show.  The drama never feels too heavy handed, the music and singing is great, and most importantly, there hasn't been mention of a single tractor theft yet.  The only downside:  no Coach Taylor.  Otherwise, I'll definitely be tuning in next year.

9.) CW's Arrow - Up until now, the only show I watched religiously on the CW was Reaper (and, now that I think about it, that one where SMG played twins; whatever, Buffy fan 'till I die), and the only superhero stuff they were associated with was Smallville, which I never bothered with.  Admittedly, though, I have a bit of a superhero issue, so I gave Arrow a shot.  The show has some issues, but as far as CW standards go, it's really, really good.  There's intrigue, tons of drama, a lot of shirtless training scenes with Oliver, and the relationships aren't the worst either.  Even though Oliver's sister looks like she's at least 25 rather than 17, I'm really enjoying their brother-sister bonding scenes, and I absolutely love Diggle as Oliver's reluctant mentor.  Plus, CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS!  There's definitely a lot of white collar issues, and the familiar CW television tropes, but the action scenes are just as good as the addictive drama.  Special props to Emily Bett Smoaks, who plays the IT expert at Oliver's dad's company.  Every time she's on screen, I crack up.  Her interactions with Oliver are hilarious.  If you're not watching this yet, what's wrong with you?

8.) The London Olympics - Okay, admittedly, the opening ceremony was a little . . . odd. But it did feature Bond skydiving with the Queen, Professor Lockhart, and a massive Voldemort puppet of sorts.  Plus, the village-y part looked a bit like the Shire.  What do you want from me?  I'm only human.  I can't remember many of the names from people, but the whole thing was just fun.  U.S. swimming was in fine form (is there possibly a more adorable person than Missy Franklin?), and I watched Rhythmic gymnastics for the first time in my life (those girls are unnaturally flexible).  I also watched five hours straight of men's cycling for, like, the first day.  That's how dedicated I was to the Olympics this year.  Seeing Gabby Douglas win gold in the all-around and Misty Mae-Traynor and Kerri Walsh win their third consecutive gold filled me with joy, tears, and national pride.  For at least two weeks, it was okay, nay encouraged even, to "USA!" chant.  God Bless, America.

7.) FOX's The Mindy Project - Anyone who knows me understands that The Office played a significant part in my life during high school.  Obsession may not be a strong enough word.  All I know is that the summer of 2005 is when I realized I loved comedy, and that someday, I wanted to incorporate it into whatever I did as an adult.  Mindy Kaling played a huge part in that.  I know a lot of critics have felt lukewarm toward her new show, but I kind of love it.  It's not what I was expecting, but Kaling's voice is so strong, there's no doubt that it's all hers, and that's definitely a good thing.  It's a little rough in patches, but the entire cast is wonderful and hilarious, and the chemistry between Mindy and Danny (played by Chris Messina) is so Han/Leia, I can't even handle it without totally fangirling.  B.J. Novak is supposed to guest star next year, so all those Kelly/Ryan feelings will most likely resurface as well.  Highlight:  Mindy asking Danny to be her gynecologist, and the subsequent survey and breast exam.

6.) Mass Effect 3 - My first introduction to RPGs was in 2003 with BioWare's Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. It rocked my video gaming world.  It was the first time I was fully submersed and emotionally invested in the universe of a video game.  I wouldn't experience that same feeling again until 2010, when BioWare's other sci-fi epic, Mass Effect 2, was finally released for the PS3.  This year marked both the release of the third and final installment of the trilogy featuring Commander Shepard finally confronting the Reaper invasion face to face.  Many have complained about the ending, and I totally get that, but a small part of me didn't even care.  The journey up to that point was everything I could have wanted from a game:  I laughed, I cried, I "oh, snap"-ped at some of the more intense action sequences, and I was invested in the story and the characters.  Seeing Garrus, Tali, Liara, and Joker for the last time was like having to say goodbye to dear friends.

5.) Saturday Night Live - Lately, this show has really been a hit or miss, and there seems to be a massive Kristin Wiig shaped hole.  However, there have been some solid moments, and most of those have been due to some talented MVPs.  Bill Hader is always amazing, but Taran Killam has pretty much killed everything he's done, including those hilarious Brad Pitt ads, and the super creep Mokiki.  Also, I don't know how much love is out there for Jay Pharoah, but I am always so blown away by his impressions.  Plus, his inner city, high school principal character KILLS me to the point of bladder control issues.  Let's not forget the ladies, though.  Kate McKinnon was fantastic as Jodie Foster and Ellen DeGeneres, and Cecily Strong's "Girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party" is so absurdly funny every time.  Highlights for me this season so far included: Eastwood and Chair; Undecided Voter; the Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney gameshow; and finally, Swarvoski Crystals.

4.) Telltale's The Walking Dead - Now, while I'm not caught up on the TV show, I have played through Telltale's game, and even more so than Mass Effect 3, this game was an emotional roller coaster.  It served as a nice respite from your typical FPS or even your typical zombie shooter.  Like Robert Kirkman's graphic novels, the idea for the game was to focus on the human element of the story, while also including some satisfyingly creepy zombie gore.  My mom's not a fan of the genre or video games at all, but I even got her into it.  I would argue to say that Lee and Clem's relationship was one of the most moving ones of the entire year.

3.) Pitch Perfect - I fought against watching this movie.  I was like, "No, thank you.  I have had enough of Glee to last me a lifetime."  But then I started hearing positive critical reviews, and my friends finally roped me into seeing it.  In short, it was one of the funniest things I watched this year.  Anna Kendrick was surprisingly funny and endearing in her role, and I'd be completely remiss if I didn't mention the true MVP of the show, Rebel Wilson as Fat Amy.  There were a lot of great cameos, too, by Jason Jones and Donald Faison.  And admittedly, the singing was acca-awesome.  I finally understand what it means to be truly pitch-slapped.

2.) ABC's Castle - I'll admit it:  when this show started, I only watched it for Nathan Fillion, and I never admitted it out loud because I felt it was too embarrassing.  Four years later, and I have completely changed my tune.  I think this show works because the cast and crew understand exactly what their show is:  it's not trying to reinvent the wheel, it's simply concerning itself with solid characters and story lines, while appealing to fans.  It's also fun, which I think some shows forget is the whole point of TV.  Stana Katic continues to impress me this season, balancing drama and comedy so well, and while Castle will never be Malcolm Reynolds, Fillion does his character justice.  The best part is that even though the two are finally a couple this season, they're still totally fangirl worthy, which I think is due to their acting and Marlowe's showrunning.  Special props to Esposito and Ryan who are always charming and hilarious.  Not ashamed anymore:  I love this show.

1.) The Avengers and The Hunger Games - This year seemed to be the year of fantastic, action adventure blockbusters.  I feel like the Hunger Games proved that a female lead could carry a major franchise without resorting to smut or vampires of any kind.  Jennifer Lawrence was awesome in X-Men: First Class, and she seriously kicked butt as Katniss.  I am totally psyched for Catching Fire, regardless of Liam Hemsworth's marital status in real life.  As for The Avengers, it's about damn time Joss Whedon gets his due.  I mean, between Buffy, Angel, Dr. Horrible, and the greatest thing to hit the FOX network, Firefly, this man has created some of the coolest universes ever.  I have never left a movie feeling as excited, exhilarated, and entertained as I did leaving The Avengers at 2 a.m the week of finals before graduation.  Mark Ruffalo as Bruce was truly something to behold, and Coulson, well, I can't actually talk about it without getting misty eyed.  Well played, Whedon. Well played.

SPECIAL MENTION:  On a personal note, I got a call back from Conan O'Brien's show in regards to an internship I applied for back in April.  I didn't actually get the gig, but it was seriously the most exciting thing to happen to someone who has been a huge fan of Coco's since middle school.  It can truly only go up from here!

Happy New Year, and Keelah Se'lai!

The General

General, Generalissima: Episode II

It wasn't until I got to college (a school where, like, ninety-seven percent of the female population is obsessed with finding husbands, getting married, and having kids in that order)(I also went to a conservative, Baptist university, go figure) that I couldn't take it any longer. Everywhere I turned, marriage became the topic of discussion, and everyone had an opinion on when it should happen (now, apparently, seemed to be the consensus), and I can remember a girl on my hall one year was seriously crying because her boyfriend hadn't proposed yet, and all I recall thinking was, Are you serious? There has to be way more than this. And just like in high school, I found myself not fitting in with my own gender. It was absolutely infuriating. But mostly disheartening.

Finally, I sat down with one of my female government professors my junior year, a woman I considered to be a mentor. She was essentially the real life Wonder Woman, so I will refer to her as Diana. Diana was an incredibly intense woman. I think she owned three suits (two of which were in navy blue), she listened to the Federalist Papers on her iPod when she ran, and she had a Ph.d from Cambridge. I came to Diana's office, exasperated with my career prospectives and more than infuriated with the entire vibe toward the females on campus. We had an enlightening talk about a lot of things, but what I remember most about that afternoon was a statement she made regarding femininity. She herself had chosen her career and ministry over marriage, and she told me that despite these things, her church still approached her to watch over the nursery. In her very dry, Diana-esque tone, she told me she had responded as such: "Which of my credentials suggests to you I would be best suited for this task?"

She went on to say that as a woman, femininity stems from the mere fact that you are a woman, not from abiding by any specific standard society or Christian culture holds you to. Honoring God, or exemplifying Biblical Femininity, comes from reading scripture and obeying God as a woman. There's no secret formula. There's no one mold. Some women want to start a family right away, and some want to write a science fiction epic before the age of thirty, but God calls both to the same standard of holiness. Some women will be Buffy Summers and some will be Pam Beasly, and some, like the judge Deborah, will balance both with a sawed-off Repeater like Zoe Washburne from Firefly. Either way, as a woman you are an essential part of God's plan, and your value is intrinsic, not stemming from your own desires or preferences.

After that meeting, I ran to the restroom and cried for about ten straight minutes (yeah, that's right, like a girl; deal with it). It was like all those years of believing the lies--that women would always be second rate, that because I wasn't into make-up or The Bachelor or whatever I wasn't feminine, that because I didn't dress a certain way or look a certain way that made me less of a lady, or even that because I didn't desire motherhood from day one, God had no use or love for me--were finally dead and gone. It was truly a William Wallace moment for me. God had created me (minus the sin nature) exactly the way I was supposed to be. No mistakes.

I know this (these) post(s) has (have) been super long, but this issue has always resonated with me ("Obviously, General."--Everyone reading this). My design wasn't to get all political, but to share my own struggles. I know I made a crack at the Duggers earlier, but I seriously harbor no dislike of them. My mom always said that giving up her teaching career to raise her kids was the greatest decision she ever made, and I have always had such tremendous respect for that. Same goes for the Duggers. My point is just that at this stage in my life, I have no interest in having/rearing/working with/standing near small children. I'm sure they're wonderful. Either way, I believe I have said everything that needed to be said on the topic. Until next time.

Keelah Se'lai
The General

(Episode I, in case you missed it)

General, Generalissima: Episode I

In the past month or so, I feel like there have been an escalated amount of questionable (to say the least) articles, posts, campaign ads, etc. depicting women in a rather negative light.  Politically, women from both sides have been at each others' throats during a campaign that focused on reproductive rights in order to appease the female demographic (as if we cared about nothing except our uteruses this election, but, ugh, whatever; I digress).  The issue of what it means to be a woman, what it means to be feminine, were once again drudged up from ye olde stomping ground, and rather than discussing it sensibly and civilly, tensions rose even higher thanks in no part to the media's calming (not) effect (not).  So in the spirit of civility and suppressed opinion (as well as the fury boiled within after reading this), I have decided to finally make my voice heard(ish) on this issue of femininity.  My credentials regarding this issue are the following: a) I am not an old, white man, and b) I have a blog, and c) I have a uterus.  Other than that, you can really take it or leave it as you please.

As far as I can remember, I have always struggled with the concept of "femininity," and what it truly entailed.  See, most little girls spent their time watching Disney movies, wishing they could be a princess and have Prince-Too-Pretty-to-Be-Absolutely-Straight-But-Significantly-Rich come whisk them away to a faraway land where they would get married and live happily ever after.  But I wasn't most little girls.  I literally wanted to be Indiana Jones (like, not the female equivalent, just him), and instead of a prince, I kept hoping a space captain would come recruit me (not whisk; never whisk) to join his ragtag crew and help save the universe from impending organic/synthetic doom.  And then maybe, if there were, like, a few free moments before the big showdown, we would accidentally make-out while taking inventory of mess rations, or something like that.  And if we survived the impending doom, then we'd talk about permanenting our relationship.  But the relationship was never the primary; saving Earth took precedence.  It's not that I had no interest in getting married, having kids, etc., but there were always things I cared about a little more, like getting into college, becoming a professional comedienne or writer, or Lord willing, both.

Growing up in a conservative, Baptist family, I can remember this idea of "Biblical Femininity" had always sort of floated around in my brain, but it never really settled in. And, really, up until middle school, as long as I could read, build my LEGOs, or keep trying to collect all 120 stars on Mario 64, I wasn't bothered by it too much. But then by about fourth or fifth grade, girls were suddenly obsessed with boys, make-up, swearing, the melodic crooning of N*Sync, and carrying purses (really, my pockets would be sufficient if jeans makers didn't insist on making the pockets on lady jeans practically nonexistent; CONSPIRACY, PEOPLE!). As if that wasn't hard enough, my two sisters (both of whom I love dearly) were both cheerleaders, the height of femininity as far as high school and 90s teen movies go. I had no interest in any of that at the time, but there was so much peer pressure coming from a desire to be a not outcast that I tried to sort of fall in with all the other girls and stop spending my time practicing accents (SNL sort of played a huge part of my comedienne path).

I thought at least I could turn to the church for refuse from this "girl world" I clearly didn't jive with. I figured I'd be too busy participating in youth group to be hung up on the fact that even though these guys I was supposed to be obsessed with didn't seem to be too keen on the idea of dating me. But I was wrong. Youth group turned into a Noah's Ark, singles' mixer, situation of sorts, but I refused to let it get to me. I decided I'd push ahead and ask to lead a lesson one Sunday, which coming from a shy kid who's ideal social interaction came from The Sims or conversation options on Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, was a huge deal. Excitement escalated and fell just as quickly when I was told I couldn't lead the youth group because I was a female. I was truly crushed.

That left a huge impact on me. I started questioning my faith. If--as a female--my role was defined only in relation to males, and my primary function consisted of either having children or taking care of them, I was like, kindly pull the divine trigger now, God. There's no way. No freaking way. I'll be a guy and follow you because they get all the cool jobs, like anything they want to do, but I do NOT want to be the next Sixty Kids and Hemorrhaging, thank you very much.

Since I didn't have a lot of mentor-type ladies at my disposal to talk through this crisis, I started turning to television and books for answers (which is always a mixed-bag as far as legitimate answers go). My love affair thus began with author Meg Cabot and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BTVS) and The Office.

To me, Meg Cabot was like the Judy Blume of my adolescence. Her books always included these abnormal heroines (some of whom were as obsessed with Star Wars as I was) who were awesome as ladies, but who also got the nice, attractive guy (and sometimes even he was obsessed with Star Wars, too, so double win). Her characters were always funny, too, which was a relief for someone who started to wonder if maybe guys wanted girls who knew what bronzer was and how to apply it properly rather than one who knew what the name 'Lorne Michaels' meant to comedy. Turns out, there were other girls who thought like me, just not at my high school.

BTVS and The Office affected me in different ways. Buffy was essentially my first introduction to a superheroine. Outside of Princess Leia (okay, I lied, if I had to pick one princess to be, it would be her), I had a limited exposure to super ladies at that age (my mom can't stand sci-fi; my dad's into weird sci-fi). Buffy was a breath of fresh air. Here's this girl, close to my age, chosen to defend the universe against vampires and such, but throughout it all, her calling comes first. She had boyfriends, some worse than others (coughRileycough), she had friends, and she made a lot of mistakes. Through it all, though, she didn't lose her femininity or her identity as a female. In fact, both of those features actually emboldened her ability as the Slayer, I would say.

Then there was Pam Beasly on The Office. She represented the girl I identified with rather than the one I wanted to be in a secret life. Pam was quiet, reserved, funny (but not in a show-y way), and she was stuck in a relationship because it was safe and familiar, even though she was in love with Jim Halpert. For two seasons, I sat frustrated that she wouldn't just choose Jim, but also empathizing with her fears of the unknown. Then in season three, Pam did the bravest thing I have ever seen a character of her caliber do on television. After walking across a bed of coals, Pam finally confessed her feelings to Jim. And it was so raw and beautiful, I'm pretty sure I may have cried. To me, both Buffy and Pam were strong females, in different ways perhaps, but nonetheless. They were both women, displaying femininity.

So if television could get this, an institution I have no faith in, whatsoever, why couldn't any of my circles (school and church) understand this concept of all females being different? WAS I SERIOUSLY THE ONLY ONE GETTING THIS?

(continued in next post)